And its not a lie if you're living it
by QuestionMarks11
Summary: 'She can't help but think its a little weird, how much Jesse likes spending time with her. Chloe is weird too.' A collection of all the things that are and all the things that Beca is pretending are not.


A/N: This is set in the timeline of the first film and is a collection of moments from Becas POV. Set around the theme of denial, I suppose.

* * *

So hardly an hour at Barden and she's already been called a bitch. It's a new record, surely, but she doesn't have that many first days to compare it too. It's probably not something she should be proud of, but she can't help but smirk.

She adds it to her pile of failed social interactions for today, warily accepts the flyer the red-haired girl, who she's like 80% sure had said her name was Chloe, gives to her. Beca isn't a sentimental gal but even she would struggle to directly rebuke the offer to turn someones' dream into a reality….She'll just chuck it in the bin_ later_.

She swallows her gut reaction whenever anyone speaks – which is to scoff and roll her eyes, but she knows about dreams, can't really judge someone for wanting to have the whole nation watch them to organized lady whatever it was. Cause hey, each to their own and all that.

She locks eyes with Chloe and her chest tightens - an allergic reaction to that much unadulterated enthusiasm.

Back in her room, headphones on and she's nearly slipped as far into the music as she needs to loosen up and forget.

She can't quite relax though, has to blast the music louder than ever.

Can't shake the image of hopeful blue eyes.

* * *

Her Itunes is on shuffle and Titanium comes on.

30 seconds in and the words 'lady jam' flash through her head.

She switches off the song. Shuts down Itunes all together, just to be safe.

* * *

She has to bite back the smirk, as peoples mouths open in shock the second she starts singing. She wouldn't call herself a singer and its definitely not what she wants to be professionally but she knows she doesn't sound _bad._

She must even be good, if the affronted look on Aubrey's face is anything to go by.

Even so, Beca's never actually performed in front of people before and she can't help but crave the security of being behind a computer screen.

She doesn't dare look at the group of boys at the back, doesn't dare look at the wings where the other auditionees are lurking. Only looks at Aubrey once or twice to make sure she doesn't throw anything at her.

Instead, Beca looks at Chloe. For lack of anywhere else.

When she finishes, Chloe is just beaming – Beca doesn't think her own mouth can physically go that wide, and those eyes might actually be twinkling.

She feels her shoulders unwind and she can't help but let her lips curve up.

She's not totally immune to having her ego stroked, after all.

* * *

As much as she hates to admit it; Jesse makes her laugh.

He seems to pop up pretty much everywhere and he has managed to make her, albeit grudgingly, smile.

She has to respect his confident acceptance of how much of a dork he is and she's a bit flattered, although she'll never say it, with how much he tries - more than anyone else ever has, to get her to open up.

Chloe makes her- _whatever. _

It doesn't matter.

(She saw her naked, so.)

* * *

God, She's exhausted.

She's sweaty and gross and her head hurts from Aubrey's yelling. She's been called an Aca-bitch about 20 times today and her ankle is killing her from that one time – on about lap 400 – where she tripped on the stairs.

Beca keeps waiting for someone to tell her this is actually all a joke but one look at Aubrey and…its just obviously not.

She zoned out a bit during the choreography demonstration and now she's standing in front of the mirror trying not to make eye contact with herself. Aubrey is counting aggressively and gives the weird window thing a go but can't for the life of her remember what comes next. She's about to just half-heartedly salute but then she feels a hand wrap around her wrist.

She starts and looks in the mirror, sees Chloe, brow furrowed in concentration with a slight smile on her lips, lifting Beca's arms up and pulling them gently through the moves.

She _feels_ Chloe, quietly counting the beats and there's a second before she jerks away.

Her heart is racing for hours after rehearsal and it's not from all the running. It's probably a PTSD induced episode from being accosted in a shower. Beca momentarily considers seeing a doctor about it - the recurring stress dreams are definitely an issue.

* * *

So, Chloe has nodes.

Those blue eyes are filled with tears and Beca actually feels really -

It just sucks for Chloe, sucks for the Bellas.

* * *

Okay, fine. Jesse might be a friend.

It hits her, when they're sitting on the lawn that she doesn't actively want to kick him in the balls – which is huge.

She gets a kick out of their banter, how earnest he is, has to respect how he continues to make actual effort.

She can't help think it's a little weird, how much he seems to like spending time with her.

Chloe is weird too.

* * *

Beca is really not sure what to do with all these people _trying_.

Jesse was bad enough, trying to get her to have emotions or something and now Chloe, trying to give her a chance to sing solo, trying to go up against Aubrey.

She has to shake her head, though, because its totally different.

Jesse is trying for _her (_she's not an idiot, she knows where he thinks this is going)

But, Chloe is trying for _the Bellas. _

She punched a guy in the face and went to Jail, for fucks sake, helping Jesse out.

So when she finds out he called her dad, she feels her stomach coil. She had thought, naively, that she was done with being let down

Later on, when she walks through her dorm room door and finds the Bellas – fine, _her friends - _ all there waiting. She gets a stupid warm feeling instead.

Even though Aubrey is still being retarded about the set list, the warm feeling doesn't go away for the rest of the night and instead of her dads refusal to help her with L.A, '_Of course we waited up for you'_ rings in her ears.

* * *

Running down that hallway, she just feels angry.

She knows she did the right thing – people were drooling- but Aubrey, god all of them, made her feel like such a bitch and she's just not good at teams, not good at being with other people, better at being alone.

So yeah, maybe she lashes out.

It's that night, when she's at home that she feels kind of terrible about it. Even the music doesn't lessen the ache in her chest when she thinks of the wounded look on Jesses face.

Still, She feels one step closer to her dream in the booth over spring break. Its so annoying, then, how the ache doesn't go away and in a moment of weakness she watches that damn movie. The tears well up so unexpectantly that she's confused, at first. Realizes she hasn't let herself cry since the first time her parents told her they were breaking up. She tries to wipe the tears away and suck it the fuck up...but then the tension in her shoulders starts to lessen and she just lets them fall.

* * *

A couple of days later, she gets Chloes' text and remembers the last time she saw those blue eyes.

Her eyes sting and she wanders if she's broken, or something.

* * *

She goes to Jesses dorm –trying for him, for a change.

The door closes in her face, though, after he makes her feel ten different kinds of stupid.

More than that, though, she feels lonely.

* * *

She walks out of her dad's house feeling better and she thinks maybe finally, that impasse between them is starting to fray.

Then, Aubrey falters too and she herself admits that friends are pretty cool.

They're standing in that empty pool and they sound better than amazing and she feels – for the first time since college started – that she is exactly where she is supposed to be.

Chloe can hit the low notes and a world of music is opened up to them and as they're walking out, Beca opens her mouth to muscle out something like an apology.

Before she can, Chloe just quirks her lip, nods and gives her a wink.

Beca knows it means 'Its okay'

In that moment, everything kind of just is.

* * *

Its going to take more than that, though, to apologise to Jesse.

Beca has learned in her 'moviecation' that he's probably going to need a big gesture and it doesn't get much bigger than nationals.

Her head is hurting just a little bit after a day of chord progressions, dance rehearsals and Simple Mind lyrics.

Chloe never made things so hard.

* * *

The rush of how fucking fantastic they –her friends - were, how much the audience loved it and the thrill of damning propriety and just throwing her all into this thing with Jesse doesn't wear off for a long time

When it does, Beca realizes something is missing.

Chloe's left Barden but they text pretty regularly so it can't be that.

It just can't.


End file.
